Our first single. Contains an acoustic cover of "Maps" by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Video directed by Jack King.

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Jun 10 2013
14 notes

UK TOUR 2013

Good afternoon!

We’re delighted to announce that we’ll be playing our biggest headline tour of the UK (well, England Scotland, sorry) so far in October. If you live here or near enough then do come along, it’s going to be immense!

Here’s a little something Ben put together to show you all where you need to be and when you need to be there: 

The more observant amongst you will might have noticed that the image is the same as Ralph’s tattoo. I wish I could give you a prize for spotting this, but as I’m flat broke you’ll just have to be content with feeling smug.

Tickets are available at all good retailers.  

Go on, treat yourself!

^JP


May 28 2013
9 notes

Dot 2 Dot

Hello All.

What a weekend! What should have a been a fairly straightforward jaunt over three cities in three days turned out to be the completely the opposite. Allow me to explain.

Manchester - Friday 24th May

We began in London on Friday at 1pm having left two extra hours to get to Manchester in expectation of bank holiday traffic. It seemed as if the whole of London was trying to join us at Dot 2 Dot which was at first highly flattering. However, as the hours ticked by and we missed our set time, we wished we were slightly less popular than the Beatles. Every road was solid, the entire network heading north seemingly constipated with a huge car-shaped turd with no visible reason for the blockage. Two closed junction on the M6 should never mean it takes you two hours to leave London. To illustrate the trauma, here is a flyer with our proposed set time on:

Thanks to some excellent negotiation from our multi-talented tour manager and a very amiable promoter at the venue, we eventually took to the stage at 11pm, having sat in the van for nine hours. This was over twice as long as it should’ve taken but we were very glad that we were still able to play as four other bands in the same predicament failed to attend. We’d also like to say thanks to all who turned up to see us to alleviate the trauma of the journey. The set went well, save for Ian getting stuck in the ceiling:

Spinal Trap.

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Bristol - Saturday 25th May

Compared to the park-the-bus tactics employed the Manc’s in order to stop us getting anywhere near their city, the Bristolians welcomed us like a leaky defence followed by an open goal. I used a football analogy there as a way of self censorship. Initially I had nuns in mind …

Unlike the perpetually rainy Manchester, Bristol was blessed with glorious golden sunshine and pie on arrival. After parking the van we headed down to the river where Ralph, Ian and I took part in an interview where we resembled one of the many stag do’s out that weekend in these fine cardboard crowns -

After that we caught a few bands before Ian was asked to enter the performer’s dot to dot competition, aptly named after the very festival we were playing at. His attempt was rightly derided by Robbie, our replacement keyboard player for the weekend with Ben at a French wedding -

Ian’s failure was in fact a metaphor for our weekend.

The set we played was fast, loud and sweaty with a fantastic crowd. Thanks Bristol for being so simple…

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Nottingham - Sunday 26th May

Before we arrived in Nottingham we enjoyed another sun-soaked morning at our hosts in Bristol. My day began like so - 

 

After I removed the parcel shelf the following events occurred - 

35 years later Robbie gets excited about Grease.

My concentration is unbroken as I remove all snotty whites from our eggs.

Our co-host Ed looks perplexed as shark-faced tour manager named Alice sips tea in his living room.

A breakfast fit for a king (ahem).

Ian gets the haircut he always dreamed of…

before his exhibitionist streak takes over and he finishes the job for all to see.

With bellies full of pork we bid our hosts farewell and made steady progress towards Nottingham. We were just twenty minutes from town when we were smashed from behind not once but twice. We collectively soiled ourselves before pulling over, counting ourselves very luck and exchanging details with the guilty party. The back of our van resembled an episode of the long-forgotten Scrap Heap Challenge show but we were all unscathed, so with no hard feelings we made it to Jongleurs where the final show of the weekend would take place. There was one small problem though; we were unable to open the back doors of the van.

Heads were scratched, hire companies rung, brows furrowed. Eventually the go-ahead was given - break in at any cost. All we needed now were the tools and the muscles to begin our assault on two solid sheets of rather crumpled metal. Heeding our call, a crack team was assembled, featuring a local biker and two Northern Irishmen named Niall Stewart and Dave (aka Semtex) who did this -

As Alice pulls her hair out, Semtex issues instructions.

With the lampost’s permission, our mystery biker and Niall secure the vehicle.

With the rope scheme abandoned, the lads discuss the finer points of lock breaking.

Assault from above is the preferred option.

Eventually we broke in with some more muscles in the form of the RAC man to cheers from a massed crowd. This was lucky as we had an acoustic session close by in a matter of minutes for Out Of The Woods clothing. It went well and looked like this - 

The show was similarly trouble-free and rammed so thanks everyone for coming down.

We hope our festival summer pans out far more easily than this weekend did!

^JP


May 08 2013
22 notes

Dog is Dead tour

Morning All.

 

We’ve spent the Bank Holiday weekend recovering from our exploits on our recent tour with Dog is Dead. We had a fantastic stint with them and would like to thank them for having us. Thanks also go to Alice for her splendid tour management, parents and friends who loaned us beds and food and Demitirius at Coventry Kasbah for his Greek feast and accompanying crepes which were the best thing Jon’s ever eaten. That sentence was too long.

 

Here’s what it looked like…

 

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For the unacquainted, that there is Dog is Dead.

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I have worked Apple’s highly advanced Preview programme to the fullest to visually illustrate our epic journey.

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Here we intimidate Dog is Dead with our footballing prowess. Ian can do headers.

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Ralph found this in a beer garden. Can you tell he’s a fan?

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Jon takes geek chic to its logical conclusion.

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Ralph and Rob trade stories of whiskey, wine and wild women.

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Ben’s Bar, complete with its landlord modelling the world’s smallest can of Coke.

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The people of Wales smash those stereotypes in Cardiff.

Ralph was given a face-making kit by some of our excellent Welsh fans. He can now make a face in ANY place he likes!

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The new genre of Mobilecore is spawned by pure chance when Ian accidentally accompanies Ben’s phone call.  

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If you fill in the gaps between crowd, eat, palm and hand you’ll have some idea of how good Dog is Dead were.

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Ironing out the flaws in my pedal setup.

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The concept of mimicry was lost on the Rock City crowd. 

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Amid a sea of green, the front three stand and deliver.

imageBen outdoes Ian’s standing-on-the-speakers manoeuvre by pulling off the first ever TKAK stage dive and crowd surf. Stunning.

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The traditional end of tour scrum minus me (I was on a train to London at this point…)

Next up for us is the Great Escape Festival in Brighton in two weekends time. We’ll be playing at Sticky Mike’s Frog Bar on Friday 17th and then at the Dome with Bastille the next day. If you’re lucky enough to have a ticket (they’re both sold out) then we’ll see you there!

Adios amigos.

^JP


Apr 24 2013
22 notes

Dog is Dead tour vs To Kill A King’s Highland Games

Good day!

As a band we have been fairly lucky with all things van hire, save from the occasional leg room issue (not for me though, I’m dead short). We hope that our current tour with Dog is Dead is breakdown-free, but if it is we’re well prepared, as I will explain after this poster -

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^^^ (click it for a ticket) ^^^

On our UK tour just gone we experienced our first van breakdown en route to Glasgow, which was the result of a leaking water pipe. Ralph, the dad of the band, and Alice, our Tour Manager, stayed with the stricken Splitter and awaited the arrival of some superheroes dressed in high viz jackets.

 

To kill time, Ian, Jon, Ben and I scaled the steep ascent of the motorway embankment and hopped over a flimsy fence to bestride a great plateau, one filled with tree saplings being weaned inside plastic tubes, a dirt road, boulders, scree (aka stones) and not much else. Our inner boy scouts took hold, birthing the TKAK Highland Games and the first motorway breakdown I’ve enjoyed rather than endured. For any geographical sticklers out there, yes, I know we were in the Lowlands being but 20 miles from Glasgow, but ‘Lowland Games’ sounds terrible, so there. Here’s how they went…

Event No. 1 - Scree Lumping

Select your sapling tube from the vast array. Arm yourself with plenty of scree. Attempt to get your scree lumps into the tube from the other side of the dirt track. Overarm and underarm both permitted:

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The sapling cowered with only its plastic shield to protect it from the imminent onslaught.

imageThe competitors, competing competitively.

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As Willoughby launches another jagged missle, Platman scrambles for scree.

imageA potential streaker is put off from fear of bruises.

imageWilloughby reigned supreme as the Sultan of Scree with a 0.000000000000000000015% success rate.

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The aftermath, a metaphor for life as a series of near misses.

Event No. 2 - Unravelling a javelin and see how far it’s travelling

Select a long, think stick. Run with it. Throw it.

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Platman gees up the swelling crowds…

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before his assault on the runway.

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Flawless technique.

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Willoughby heads for his mark…

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before unleashing a new world record throw of 34,567,890 metres.

Event No. 3 - Scree and stick race

This is a recession-friendly egg and spoon race. Find some scree and a stick. Place scree on stick. Run as far as possible with scree and stick still touching.

imageDudfield’s equipment passed the stringent quality controls…

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but following his disqualification for doping, only Platman and Willoughby were eligible to compete.

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Platman realises that the curvature of ‘stick’ could seriously undermine his ambitions.

Event No. 4 - Screeball

Glaswegian baseball using scree and a stick. Brutal.

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Platman steps out to unleash yet another home run.

Event No. 5 - Tree climbing

Find a tree, climb it. Highest man wins.

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These boots are made for climbing and that’s just what they’ll do.

Event No. 6 - Boulder jumping

Find a boulder. Climb it. Leap off. Points are awarded for style of dismount.

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Dudfield’s sturdy footwear cam into their own in his ascent of the boulder.

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Dudfield whips up the crowd into a frenzy by modelling this season’s hottest trend, the crop top.

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An unusually timid dismount sees Dudfield post a poor score.

Event No. 7 - Boulder Breaking

Find a stick. Run towards a bolder screaming in the style of Braveheart. Attempt to break the boulder with the stick. Run away screaming when the boulder wins.

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The boulder stands firm in the wake of Willoughby’s intimidating frame.

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The impact sent tremors throughout the Lowlands.

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Fearing retaliation, Willoughby makes for the safety of the trees.

Our heptathlon of sorts left us drained but exhilirated. It was not for the feint-hearted and we’d advise amateurs like Jessica Ennis to stay well clear of these rugged pursuits.

Next time you break down why not try and concoct your own micro Olympics?

Bye for now!

^JP


Apr 20 2013
5 notes

UK TOUR

Hello.

As you’re probably aware we recently jumped in a van and played a handful of shows on our latest UK tour. This included a sold-out show at London’s Scala where we finally felt like we’d arrived as a band (the whole front row knew every word, that was major), even though we know there’s a long way to go yet!

Here’s what it looked like…

Bin Jackson (sorry)

The aftermath!

The AA save the day!

The whole touring gang, including the splendid Spring Offensive, the excellent Alice James (Tour Manager extraordinaire) and Paul Cooper (expert knob nudger and fader fondler AKA our sound man).

Thanks go out to all of the above and all of you who bought a ticket and came to a show.

We’re off with Dog is Dead next week which will be a tonne more fun.

See you there!

^JP


Apr 20 2013
20 notes

TKAK w/ Bastille

Good afternoon.

Last month we went on the road with a little-known band by the name of Bastille. We took in the second half of their UK tour and were surprised to discover that so many people had heard of them that they’d sold the whole thing out! This was fantastic for us as we were able to play in bigger venues than usual (including Shepherds Bush Empire and Rock City) and acquire a dozen or so new fans. We’d like to thank Bastille for having us alongside them and wish them all the best as their relentless global takeover continues!

The crowd at Rock City were passionate about triangles.

This counts as art in Cardiff. I’m serious.

In Oxford, some restaurateurs have taken population control into their own hands.

This guy…

built this bridge in Bristol. His middle name was 'Kingdom', which explains why it’s so immense.

This pub doesn’t mess about.

Otto the two-legged Octopus pulled no punches.

Ian was certain that riding a plastic lion improved the taste of his pint.

I can highly recommend this.

Gigs were a daily occurrence.

Bastille joined us for ‘Choices’ each night which was always a treat.

Stage fright overwhelms Ian at Shepherds Bush.

Ben gets some rest to regain his zest.

You’ll have to ask Ralph what was happening here!

Shepherds Bush Empire were feeling the recession bite into their security budget.

Ralph and Dan play a game of tag live on stage. Honours even.

Keep your eyes here, plenty more to come…

^JP


Mar 14 2013
6 notes

'Funeral' video now live!

Morning all.

Below is the video for our next single, ‘Funeral’. Enjoy the beautiful seaside town of Hunstanton in all its glory, alongside our music and antics.

But that’s not all! As an added extra we’ve got some shots from the shoot for you which illustrate the more humorous/mundane aspects of filming a music video.

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Bertie the Bear psyches himself up for the challenges ahead.

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Luckily, this £40,000 camera is not as colour blind as its name suggests.

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With a weekend of deadpan ahead of him, Ralph gets his full range of facial expressions out of the way.

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Ralph should’ve made more friends. They’re not hanging at his funeral.

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In case anyone forgot the song title, here was a floral reminder.

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Our hens start their party with some unusually low-key beverages.

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Bertie enjoys a free ride from director Jack King.

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The hen party suffers its first casualty before sunset…

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…but like the legendary lasses they are they carry on regardless!

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'Get your coat love, you've pulled.'

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Ralph takes his revenge after being pushed around all weekend…

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…whilst Bertie hits the bottle to cope with the demands of the shoot.

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Ralph and his Pa share a heart to heart in the fine Hunstanton sunshine.

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Some over-the-hill musicians of today meet the Oscar winners of tomorrow.

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Welcome to the house of fun!

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With Jon exuding menace from every pore it was no wonder that a local thought he worked at the arcade.

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With the pressure getting too much, Bertie attempts to escape.

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Creepy or inviting? You decide.

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Bertie seeks solace in the arms of a dead man. He fails.

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It’s like the last day of primary school, only on a beach, with a painted face and ballons. Pretty standard really.

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Back at base camp, Bertie receives treatment for his injuries.

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On-set man of steel Duncan cradles the beastly camera.

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The sun sets at the end of the shoot…

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…as Bertie, now all patched up, seeks a sugared snack for sustenance on the long ride home.

We’d like to thank all involved their hard work, it was a real pleasure!

Please enjoy the video and share it around.

Buy our album!

See you on tour!

 

Thank you all.

^JP


Feb 26 2013
8 notes

CANNIBALS WITH CUTLERY OUT NOW ! ! !

Good evening!

If it seems like I’ve been banging on about it for months, you’d be right because I have. This time though, things are a little different…

CANNIBALS WITH CUTLERY IS OFFICIALLY OUT NOW!

Because we’re so tech-savvy, you can buy, download or stream it. Oh the tyranny of choice!

And if you were too slow or unwilling to snap up a signed pre-order then you needn’t delay any longer. Go go go!

We hope you enjoy the album. If you do you can come and see us play large chunks of it live on a stage at the following venues -

To get a ticket click HERE.

Thanks very much, we really couldn’t have done it without you!

 

^JP


Feb 22 2013
9 notes

Confessions of a Postman

This week I have spent so much of my time on postage-related pursuits that I’ve felt a lot like this guy, only with a smaller nose.

Aside from addressing, wrapping, packing and stamping hundreds of envelopes full of our debut album, I’ve had three memorable posting sessions that I’d like to share with you. I’ve not flexed my writing muscles in while so there’s your warning. All names have been changed.

1. Tuesday 19th February – Marvellous Mandy

 For those of you who haven’t heard of Beckenham through the Streets song Who Got The Funk (first album, track 10, 1 minute 17 seconds), it’s a sleepy London suburb inhabited by ex boxer Nigel Benn, middle class Conservative voters and me. It also has a fantastic post office. On Tuesday I spent an hour with Mandy and took her on a worldwide tour in an attempt to make the whole ordeal of sending our international orders more bearable. Mandy was a wonderfully friendly woman of advancing years and had got to the point in a woman’s life where the odd sprouting of chin hair is acceptable. She was also in dire need of a holiday. Whenever I asked her where she’d like to go next (with the parcels) she replied ‘somewhere hot!’ with wild, almost child-like enthusiasm. I ratcheted up the tension, each destination more exotic than the last. She loved the drama of it all, which I heightened by using the accents native to the people of each destination, and by the time we’d reached Brazil, our final destination, she was in a state of ecstasy. With a three figure bill and a receipt as long as my arm I left Mandy to her lunch break, which she probably spent at Thomas Cook on the high street.

 

2. Thursday 21st February -Toothy Dave

After an increase in foreign sales another trip to Beckenham Post Office was due. This time I was served without chitchat by a man I shall call Toothy Dave*. Dave was a man from a time before childhood orthodontics were commonplace, a time when braces held up your trousers or your weakened legs, instead of making your mouth look like an orgy of miniature iron men. Having had a brace as a youth I felt his pain, although I never had quite the tusks that Dave possessed.

 

That being said, Dave was well mannered, efficient and made up for his wild fangs with a set of immaculately trimmed fingernails. If he ever wants a career change then he’ll be playing vampires for the rest of his days. Thanks Dave, I salute you!

3. Friday 22nd February – Post Box Foie Gras and rugged Ray 

Today I set about choking three local post boxes with all of our UK pre-orders. It was a mighty feat, aided by a large plastic bag and a wheeled suitcase as I swelled the sacks (not like that) of the local sorters in time for their weekend shift.

At post box number one on Copers Cope Road I met a chap named Ray who was a cross between Peter Stringfellow and the Hitcher from the Mighty Boosh. Here is a pictorial sum with the result drawn by me (sorry I wasn’t awake enough to ask for a photo).

+

=

He mentioned that I could probably have got a deal on such a large amount of mail. I agreed and gave him our band card when he discovered what I was posting. He’ll be Youtubing us tonight apparently.

At one point disaster struck when I found this amongst the parcels –

Having addressed hundreds of envelopes over the past couple of weeks it was inevitable that a fallible human being such as myself would make an error. If your album doesn’t arrive by this time next week then please let us know and I will write your name on the envelope as I intended. My apologies to whoever you turn out to be.

That’s almost it from me. I would just like to end by thanking you all for giving a self-employed (read under-worked) musician something to fill his hours with and bringing some meaning to his life by buying our music. We truly appreciate it.

 

Have a grand weekend listening to the albums when they arrive!

^JP


Feb 20 2013
4 notes

Posting pre-orders abroad

To all our non UK readers,

Yesterday I spent an hour sending pre ordered albums all over the world. I sent parcels to Germany, Spain, USA, Canada, Norway, Denmark, Australia, New Zealand, Finland, Poland, Austria, Switzerland, Netherlands, France, Italy, Malaysia and Brazil. Royal Mail are sweating!

 

They went out first class so should be with you soon, although it’s a long way for some of you so please be patient. I’m sending some more off tomorrow, but in the meantime here’s the proof (that long receipt is you guys, next to a regular-sized one).

 

Thanks very much for your support! We hope to tour the world one day and play in your own back yard, but until then keep enjoying what we do.

All the best,

Josh (To Kill A King bassist / postman) x


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