This week I have spent so much of my time on postage-related pursuits that I’ve felt a lot like this guy, only with a smaller nose.
Aside from addressing, wrapping, packing and stamping hundreds of envelopes full of our debut album, I’ve had three memorable posting sessions that I’d like to share with you. I’ve not flexed my writing muscles in while so there’s your warning. All names have been changed.
1. Tuesday 19th February – Marvellous Mandy
For those of you who haven’t heard of Beckenham through the Streets song Who Got The Funk (first album, track 10, 1 minute 17 seconds), it’s a sleepy London suburb inhabited by ex boxer Nigel Benn, middle class Conservative voters and me. It also has a fantastic post office. On Tuesday I spent an hour with Mandy and took her on a worldwide tour in an attempt to make the whole ordeal of sending our international orders more bearable. Mandy was a wonderfully friendly woman of advancing years and had got to the point in a woman’s life where the odd sprouting of chin hair is acceptable. She was also in dire need of a holiday. Whenever I asked her where she’d like to go next (with the parcels) she replied ‘somewhere hot!’ with wild, almost child-like enthusiasm. I ratcheted up the tension, each destination more exotic than the last. She loved the drama of it all, which I heightened by using the accents native to the people of each destination, and by the time we’d reached Brazil, our final destination, she was in a state of ecstasy. With a three figure bill and a receipt as long as my arm I left Mandy to her lunch break, which she probably spent at Thomas Cook on the high street.
2. Thursday 21st February -Toothy Dave
After an increase in foreign sales another trip to Beckenham Post Office was due. This time I was served without chitchat by a man I shall call Toothy Dave*. Dave was a man from a time before childhood orthodontics were commonplace, a time when braces held up your trousers or your weakened legs, instead of making your mouth look like an orgy of miniature iron men. Having had a brace as a youth I felt his pain, although I never had quite the tusks that Dave possessed.
That being said, Dave was well mannered, efficient and made up for his wild fangs with a set of immaculately trimmed fingernails. If he ever wants a career change then he’ll be playing vampires for the rest of his days. Thanks Dave, I salute you!
3. Friday 22nd February – Post Box Foie Gras and rugged Ray
Today I set about choking three local post boxes with all of our UK pre-orders. It was a mighty feat, aided by a large plastic bag and a wheeled suitcase as I swelled the sacks (not like that) of the local sorters in time for their weekend shift.
At post box number one on Copers Cope Road I met a chap named Ray who was a cross between Peter Stringfellow and the Hitcher from the Mighty Boosh. Here is a pictorial sum with the result drawn by me (sorry I wasn’t awake enough to ask for a photo).
He mentioned that I could probably have got a deal on such a large amount of mail. I agreed and gave him our band card when he discovered what I was posting. He’ll be Youtubing us tonight apparently.
At one point disaster struck when I found this amongst the parcels –
Having addressed hundreds of envelopes over the past couple of weeks it was inevitable that a fallible human being such as myself would make an error. If your album doesn’t arrive by this time next week then please let us know and I will write your name on the envelope as I intended. My apologies to whoever you turn out to be.
That’s almost it from me. I would just like to end by thanking you all for giving a self-employed (read under-worked) musician something to fill his hours with and bringing some meaning to his life by buying our music. We truly appreciate it.
Have a grand weekend listening to the albums when they arrive!